What Happens Now?

This isn't the easiest thing to put into words. I've thought about it for days. I've replayed the whole thing in my head more times than I can count. It's very emotional for me.

I think that I expected something more to happen once Hudson made her grand entrance. Instead, I felt nothing. There were no more contractions. There was no pain. I just felt...  normal.
Dr C grabbed the ultrasound wand and the look on her face spoke more to me than anything else. It was that look and the slight shaking of her head that sent my head spinning. She tried to push my stomach in hopes that Macy would move, but it didn't work. 
I remember trying to focus on Macy-Dean. I tried to feel where she was, what she was doing. Had she moved at all? I knew she wasn't head down. I knew she was still so high up, I could feel her. I knew this wasn't a good start. My mind was racing and for the first time in the history of my giving birth, I was scared to death.

We started out with Dr C reaching inside of me and trying to either pull Macy down, or turn her around, I couldn't really tell which one. I remember the pain. It was unlike anything I had ever felt before. It hurt but in a really uncomfortable way, not in a stabbing pain way. I know at some point the nurses started Pitocin to bring the contractions back. It didn't seem to take long for them to kick back in but I'm pretty sure that I had no concept of time during any of this.
During each contraction Dr C would reach inside of me and grab Macy while I pushed. I would feel the pressure like she was moving but the moment the contraction was over I could feel this almost suction-like-feeling grabbing Macy back up. With each push and each suction-like-feeling I grew more and more discouraged and so tired. When Midwife L came into the room her soft voice and soothing touch brought me back to the fight but in the middle of all of it I noticed something... the nurses comments had changed. They were no longer saying, "you can do this". 
I remember pausing and just trying to sit through the contractions. I didn't want to push anymore. I just wanted to rest and think about what was happening. I knew that B was right beside me, encouraging me... but was she the only one saying "those words"?  Had everyone else given up?
I wanted to keep fighting. I didn't want to give up and I'm pretty sure Dr C would have stood by my side and let me fight as long as I wanted to. At some point during everything she offered an epidural and to let me rest and try again later but the thought of coming back and being in the same exact position was too much for me to handle. She asked me if I wanted a c-section and all I could do was shake my head no. I didn't want one. I didn't want for B and C to have to pay more for a c-section. I didn't want to stay in the hospital for 3 days by myself. I didn't want to be cut open. No. I didn't want a c-section.
Dr C also asked me if I wanted to call Casey and talk to him about it. Oh my gosh, Casey! He had no idea what was going on. It had been a good 2-3 hours from the last time I talked to him. No! I didn't want to call him. I didn't want him to know how much pain I was in, or that I was about to give up. I didn't want to disappoint him.

Asking for a c-section was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It was admitting defeat. It was admitting that I wasn't as strong as I thought I was. It was losing control...