I'm seeing RED...

Getting to North Carolina wasn't an easy task. First, Joelie had dance class on Tuesday and there was no way I was going to miss that! So, plans were made to leave directly from class to the airport. With traffic, the GPS taking us the wrong direction, and a little over one hour to make it, we were lucky for me to get there in plenty of time to make it through security. 

As I rushed to my gate I noticed on the monitors that my flight was delayed. So I sat out in search of some healthy food (not an easy task) and a place to charge my phone (also not an easy task). After chowing down a veggie wrap I found a charging station at my gate. As soon as I sat down our flight was delayed again... and again. Luckily the people around me were good company and helped pass the time. 

I don't even remember what time we actually boarded the plane. As I was getting seated I noticed a lady with a young son looking for her seat. I was pretty sure she was sitting beside me and tried to help her. I quickly noticed she didn't speak English and that she had a letter tied to her neck (I could only make out that she flew in on Lufthansa). I checked her tickets and could see that her son was sitting next to me and she was across the isle. I checked with the pilot and made sure that it was okay for me to move to her seat so that she could sit with her son.
I ended up next to an older gentleman from Pennsylvania. He told me about moving from Paris to New York 30 years ago. We also talked about his recent visit to Austin and how strange the roads were (haha, I have been saying that exact thing about the roads in New Jersey). He asked me why do all of those people gather under the bridges when it get dark? Bats! He was shocked! All of this happened while we sat, waiting... on the runway.

We finally landed in North Carolina ten minutes before midnight. 

I got settled in my hotel room and set everything up for the following day. I made sure all my medications, food, and water were in reach from my bed.
Once again E left me a bag with snacks, fruit, water, and a very sweet letter. 

Early the next morning the fertility clinic called to move our appointment, for the third time. They also called E to let her know that 2 of the 3 embryos didn't make it and they were going to thaw 2 more.
We toured the city and Duke University before heading to the clinic. Once we got there we were taken back pretty quickly.
I changed into my gown and E changed into her scrubs. We met with the doctor who went over the transfer and the embryos. We ended up with two 10 cell and one 3 cell. This time our color was red.

It's strange how the same procedure can be so different with a different doctor. This time around I could feel a lot more. It was really uncomfortable and actually hurt a little bit.
We had asked the clinic about allowing us to stay in the room with me on the table at an angle for a few minutes after the procedure. They agreed, but one doctor sent E an email saying that recent medical articles showed that it didn't really help. Oh well. It wouldn't hurt.
E said a friend told her that laughing afterwards would also help. Thankfully our conversations were pretty funny! After 20 minutes of sharing laughs we got up. I emptied my very full bladder (gosh that hurts) and changed back into my clothes. We got our discharge papers and headed back to the hotel.

Once there, I grabbed a pillow and plopped down on top of it lifting my butt into the air. I stayed that way while I ate my pineapple (another one of those things we read about that might help). I stayed in bed for five hours before I got up. E brought over some dinner (she makes a great avocado salad) and kept me company for a few minutes. After she left it was back to bed.

I go home Friday afternoon and have to wait until July 24th for our first test. I have high hopes that all the "tricks" paid off and that at least one of these three little embryos are going to stick!! GO RED GO! 

A New Chance To Try Again...

A couple of days after our BETA test results, Duke Fertility advised me to stop taking all medications. I was told that my uterus lining would shed and that we would just have to wait until my next period to start again.
Can I just tell you that waiting a month while going through something like this seems like it takes forever. Well, the day finally came. I'm back on patches and will start over with the same medication schedule we used the first time.
I have talked to E about making a few minor changes this time to help increase our odds. My good friend Krystal, who is also a surrogate, shared notes and tips with me that I hope will help. The medication from Duke will stay the same but I'm going to add a daily dose of baby Aspirin to the mix. It is said that a combination of the aspirin with progesterone helps women who have had miscarriages. I'm also going to stay on the exam table, at a tilted angle for 15-20 minutes, if the doctors will allow it. Last, I'm going to go straight to the hotel, prop my butt up on a pillow and read... for days. It may all be in my head, it may not "really" make a difference but I believe it can only help.

I'm really excited to have the opportunity to try again. Lots of hopes and prayers appreciated!

BETA TESTING DAY

It has finally been two weeks and beta testing day has arrived! 

E has to be one of the sweetest people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. She sent me a text last night asking how I was feeling. I told her how nervous I was. She told me that she was nervous too but was at peace with whatever happens and so thankful for me.
I told her that I planned to take a home pregnancy test in the morning and asked if she wanted me to send her a picture. She said yes.

"If it is negative remember we have been through this before. So we are just so thankful for the chance!"  

This morning arrived at an early 5:30am. I just couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned and told myself to just stay in bed until 6:30am. I didn't want to test too soon. I needed to make sure there was enough time between the last time I went to the bathroom and the first morning pee. Crazy. I know. I settled for 6:00am. As I sat down and unwrapped the package I said a silent prayer.
It seemed like it took forever for the urine to move across the testing window. I looked down and saw one line, and then one line. I twisted and turned the stick trying to see the second line but it just wasn't there.

Then I remembered that I told E I would send her a pic and my heart dropped. Could I really send her a picture of this? I thought about it and thought about and finally decided that I had to. 6:54am. Sent.

I held out hope that maybe the beta test would show something different. I searched the internet for people in the same situation that ended up with a BFP. I found a few. I went to the lab at 9am and had my blood drawn. From there it would go to Austin and once the results were in they would be faxed to Duke.
So I waited and hoped. 

2:02pm a strange doctor calls to tell me that they have the beta results. They are negative. No numbers, nothing more. Just, sorry... it didn't work.

My heart breaks for E and C.

Two Week Wait

The two week wait has to be the most awful part of procedures like this. It's almost like a timer is set, going backwards, the moment you get off the table. Suddenly you can feel every cramp, pull, and twinge. You question everything. Could that be implantation? Could it be my body rejecting the embryo?
Oh, and that is just the beginning. Throw in the added hormones pumping through your body and suddenly you "feel" pregnant. Your boobs are bigger, swollen, and tender. You get tired easily and feel nauseous throughout the day. Plus your nose is working overtime and you can smell things from a mile away. You know progesterone side effects mimic pregnancy. You remind yourself of that daily but everything your feeling is so intense, it has to be more than just a side effects from those pesky injections. Right?
You spend two weeks staring at yourself in the mirror and questioning anything and everything. Sure, you could cheat and take a HPT but you are strongly urged not to. So you just wait.
And then comes beta testing day...

Team Purple!

Tuesday (April 23) morning we arrived at the Fertility Center and got checked in. I think the ladies at the front desk were just as excited for the day as we were! You could see it in their smiles that reached all the way up to their eyes. C was already there waiting. While we were sitting in the waiting room waiting to be called back one of the nurses called my cell and asked me if I planned to make it in for transfer?! I think we were both really confused when I told her that we were sitting in the waiting room.
It wasn't long until we were called back and ushered into at tiny glass room. Inside was a large exam chair covered in a blanket with a gown and paper "blanket" setting on top. Another smaller chair set beside the wall. On it set surgical coverups with a hairnet and booties.
I quickly changed into the hospital gown with my slipper socks and hairnet. E slipped her lovely attire over her clothes and we sat and waited. The nurse came in and talked to us a couple of times before Dr. S came in and went over the embryos and procedure with us.

They used a different grading system than the one OU Fertility used so I wasn't sure at the time what it all I meant. I later looked it up and found out.
They defrosted two embryos from a purple petri dish. One of them graded 9 and .075. The other graded 8 and .075. What does that mean? I think it means that one was 9 cells, the other was 8 cells and both had .025% fragmentation. I could be wrong? What I do know is that it was great news!

The nurses walked us down the hallway to the procedure room. Things happened so quickly that I didn't have a lot of time to look around and take in my surroundings. What I do remember is the exam table and the chair setting next to it. E sat down in the chair while I climbed on the table and untied my gown. I assumed the position, you know... scoot all the way down and place your legs in the stirrups.
The monitor was to my left at stomach level. There was a microphone that dropped down from the ceiling and a TV screen to the right. Dr. S began by cleaning my uterus. It did not feel quite as strange as it did the first time and I don't think it took nearly as long as before. The other doctor (I forget his name) held the wand over my abdomen to help Dr. S guide the catheter into my uterus. I had to talk to the invincible lady in the microphone and state my name and what I was there for. She than showed the embryos on the large TV screen on the right side of the room.
Once Dr. S had the catheter in place he called out to the lady in the microphone that we were ready. With the tilt of the bed I wasn't able to see how everything happened so I just watched the monitor. I could see the two tiny white bubbles again. They shot up and floated until the rested beside my uterus wall. Amazing! Dr. S checked to make sure the catheter was empty, it was, and we were done. 

I walked back to the glass room and got dressed.
Back in the waiting room we greeted C and told him we were all done! E went and got one of the front desk ladies to come and take a picture of the three of us. I couldn't tell but I think the lady had tears in her eyes. I love that about this Fertility Clinic, they seem like family to one another.
I left with instructions to continue my estrogen patches and progesterone shots. I also had orders to have my blood drawn to check HCG levels on May 7th and again on May 9th.
I was told NOT to take a HPT but that seems like pure torture!! Because there are only 12 days between the transfer date and first blood draw I can't really take a HPT until the same day as the blood draw any way. So I guess we will just wait.

************************************STICKY DUST*****************************************************

North Carolina Bound

One thing about doing a transfer outside of the state is having to wait until the last minute to book a flight. If anyone has ever had to do it, you know exactly what I mean. The pickings are slim. I ended up leaving Austin Monday afternoon. But before I could get to North Carolina I had to fly down to Houston. Crazy. Luckily, there wasn't a big layover in-between. I was really concerned that we would be delayed with all the air traffic control delays but thankfully both flights were right on time!

When I arrived in NC both E and C were there to pick me up. It was my first time actually meeting C in person. It was kind of funny. I sat there thinking that he was nothing like I expected and looked much younger than he did in pictures.

I think that is when it occurred to me that during this process it is really hard not to compare your previous journey with the current one, and I had totally been doing that. Especially because E and B are friends.
Both B,C and E,C are beautiful people. You know, the kind that seem flawless. Perfect hair. Perfect teeth. Perfect skin. But they are really quite different in so many other ways. I think my journey with B and C caused me to shield myself a little from E and C but I didn't realize that until the moment we sat down to dinner.
E and C took me to Maggiano's Little Italy. The food was amazing and the company was pretty entertaining! I felt so comfortable with them and was able to relax and enjoy myself. 
I have to say... at one point during the conversation C said that is cray cray! I LOL'd because earlier that day I said the same thing while dropping my 12 year old off at school. He scolded me and told me NEVER to say that again! HAHA! Just wait until you have pre-teens, C. We are never as cool as we think we are!

When I walked into my hotel room I was surprised to see that E had left me a card and gift bag. The bag was full of snacks and goodies to cover my few days there. Such a sweet gesture.
I honestly spent my time at the hotel laid out on the king size bed with my laptop, kindle, and phone. I may or may not have set the snacks on the bed too...

I had trouble sleeping that night, but that isn't anything new for me. I'm not sure if it is the added hormones that make it difficult or something else all together. I did manage to get up in time the next day to take a shower and have breakfast before E came to get me at 8:45am. Off we went to our 9am appointment! 

Imperfection is Beauty

April 16th was my final appointment with Texas Fertility before transfer. Of course, after hearing that you have an imperfect uterus it's hard not to obsessively worry that it could happen again. The doctor was running late but I was told she was on her way and to go ahead and undress. I took the time to over think and drive myself crazy. It actually didn't take long before she came in and really only took a few seconds for her to do the actual exam. She said, "Everything looks great!". By great she meant that my uterus lining was 13mm's thick. What does that mean? The clinic wanted to see 7mm... pretty sure that means my uterus was PERFECT! :)