Pictures!!

Baby Lucy going home! 

Chase holding Lucy. It was so wonderful sharing this with them. 

Joelie with Lucy. She loved her and still asks to go and see her. 

Pacey and Lucy. She recognized his voice. He was the only one that talked to her while I was pregnant.
His famous line was telling her that she didn't know him, that he wasn't her brother, but he couldn't wait to meet her.
So glad he had the chance! 

Here Comes Baby L...

We started with simple position changes. I sat up a little more and sort of leaned forward. I could tell that it helped move the contractions from my back to the front but that was it. The contractions were not more intense and I didn't feel anything else. 

Around 8:30 Dr. C came in to check on me. I didn't even have to ask, I could tell when she checked me that there wasn't a change. I had officially labored for more than 12 hours and nothing was happening. I felt so defeated. We sat and talked about all of our options from getting an epidural to having a c-section. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I got up and went into the bathroom to clear my head. While sitting there I tried my hardest to focus on the goal at hand. I thought about going ahead with a c-section. I knew I did well handling labor all day but the thought of another 12 hours with no change scared the crap out of me. 

I walked out of the bathroom and asked Dr. C if we could take the wand out and stop the Pit. I asked her if she could just give me a break. Of course she wasn't too keen on the idea and assured me that it would be a step backward. I told her that I needed the wand out. She said she couldn't. I told her that I was pretty sure it was falling out again anyway. We chatted for a few minutes about other options and agreed to try some bigger position changes to get the baby to flip.
I turned and told C and E that I had to kick them out for a little while. I just needed some time to think and focus. I also needed some time to talk to Dr. C alone. 

We discussed my fears and our options. I told her that my biggest regret with the twins birth was giving up and having a c-section instead of trying harder, longer with baby b. I knew that no matter what, I wouldn't give in that easily again. She suggested that I try an epidural before making major decisions.
Before she left the room Dr. C made sure that nurse S was okay with the wand being removed. She was. Funny enough, it was barely hanging in there.
Dr. C left the room and Nurse S didn't waste any time getting me into position.
I stood up pulling my left leg up and onto the bed. With the next three contractions I twisted and tilted toward my leg. I felt nothing, just contractions. I told S that I wanted to go back to the bathroom for a few minutes. We got all the machines moved so that I could reach the toilet while still being connected. I sat down and felt a rush of so many different emotions.

I shut all my thoughts down and focused on each contraction. I thought about moving the baby down and making something happen. I pushed through each contraction with all my might. This was it. I had to make something happen. I couldn't go too much longer, I just didn't have the strength.

Within minutes I was shaking. I couldn't tell if it was from fear or something else. I knew I was exhausted. I knew that I was terrified that things would end with a c-section. I thought my body was responding to all the emotions I felt at that moment. I asked S to go ahead and get an epidural for me.

It wasn't until I got up to return to the bed that I realized that something had changed. I could feel the baby low enough that I had trouble walking. I asked S to call Dr. C back into the room.

When she walked in I laughed and told her that if there wasn't a change this time, I was leaving. She quickly checked me and in an instant I knew that we were on our way. 8cms, just like that! That shaking wasn't fear, it was transition. The contractions were coming back to back and were so much more intense. Dr. C grabbed my phone and I helped her get to the text messages. At 10:10pm she sent a text to E that said...
Come back its Dr.C Things are getting exciting.

I remember telling Dr. C that we didn't need the epidural, that I would be fine. At one point I looked up and there was a bar in front of me. The bottom of the bed was dropped down leaving my legs lower than the rest of my body. I was in a semi upright position. I closed my eyes and grabbed the bars squeezing with all of my might through each contraction.
I heard C and E come back into the room but I didn't open my eyes to greet them. I was in the zone and didn't want to step out of it.

Dr. C had me change positions again. I threw my legs up over the bars and used them to pull and push at the same time. I could feel my body responding rapidly. I focused on pushing through each contraction and sometimes pushed from one contraction to the next without stopping. When I felt my bladder leaking I freaked out just a little bit. I was so afraid she was going to get stuck just like Joelie, like baby A. I shook it off and started chanting in my head, "move her, don't think about your bladder". I heard Dr. C coaching me and I hung on to her every word. She cheered me on and gave me something to cling to. I pushed and pushed until I could feel her head emerge. What an amazing feeling... painful, but at the same time, so much relief. When Dr. C told me not to push I stopped. I could feel her slide her shoulders out and that was it. I made it. I did it!

When I finally opened my eyes the first thing I did was look at the baby. I wanted to make sure she was perfect, and she was. So perfect! I looked up at C and E and fought back the tears. I could see it all over their faces, they were already so in love with her.
Suddenly nothing else mattered. The trials in the beginning of our journey, the morning sickness, the crazy NJ doctors, the uncomfortable pregnancy, the painfully long labor... it was all well worth it.

Baby Lucy was born at 10:51PM weighing in at 7lbs 15oz.
This will go down in the books as LLL.
Longest time being pregnant.
Longest labor.
Largest baby.

Ready. Set. Labor.

Wednesday morning I showed up at Labor and Delivery a little after 7am. I answered a few questions and made sure the front desk knew that C and E would be up eventually.

Once in the delivery room I quickly changed into a gown and got connected to the monitors. I was introduced to three ladies that would end up spending the majority of the day with us. Nurse J, trainee L, and student A. I also answered what seemed like thousands of questions.
I was pleasantly surprised to see Dr. C walk into the room a little before 8am. I really didn't expect to see her with her being out sick the day before. She looked like she felt awful and in the moment I felt so much gratitude for her coming in to help me.

At 8:01, and after a few attempts, Dr. C broke my water. It wasn't a gush, but a slow trickle. Baby girl was still high and I was only sitting at 4.5cms.
Dr. C left saying that she would be back around 11am.
I sent E a text letting her know my water was broken and telling her that it would go slow. She told me they were grabbing a bagel and heading up.

The nurses connected me to a wireless device that monitored the baby so I wasn't confined to the bed. Unfortunately I had to go back to the other monitors when baby girls heart rate started reading crazy. She was fine. The monitor was not. So into bed I went. The contractions were weak and I really didn't feel much other than the occasional fluid trickle.

At 12:25 Dr. C came back to check on me. Sadly, there was little change, 5cms. Pitocin was being started which meant that I would have to labor with an Intrauterine Pressure Catheter, that I dubbed "the wand". A few hours later, while using the bathroom, the wand fell out. The charge nurse attempted to put it back in but felt resistance so she stopped. We had to stop the Pit and wait on Dr. C to come put it back in.
Two things I learned up to this point...
1. When attempting a VBAC you get your own nurse.
2. When attempting a VBAC and using Pitocin, you have to have an IUPC.
Around 2:25 Dr. C put the wand back in and was able to rupture my bag of water again.
By 5pm the Pit was cranked up to 3 and we were contracting every 3 minutes. 
By 7pm the Pit was cranked up to 8 and we were contracting every 3 minutes.

I went into this expecting things to take longer than normal. It was something that I thought a lot about and accepted. As the day went on I would set new goals for myself. 11am. 4pm. 7pm... midnight. I can't say that I didn't give up hope, I did.

By 7pm the ladies that spent the day with us were gone and our new nurse, S arrived. She adjusted the monitors to her liking and asked me about the contractions. When I told her that I still felt them in my back she started checking on the baby and said that she was face up. She suggested we try other positions to help her turn. So it began... 

What Was I Thinking?

If you would have told me that I would make it to 40 weeks of pregnancy, I wouldn't have believed you. I knew without a doubt that this baby would be born before 39 weeks. I mean, why wouldn't she? I never made it that long with the other 6 pregnancies.

On March 16th I counted contractions for over 3 hours. They were every 3-5 minutes apart and lasted about 45 seconds each. In addition to the contractions I felt really sick, like I was going to vomit, and had terrible back pain. I went back and forth on contacting E and letting her know. I didn't feel like I was in active labor but I was concerned enough that I wouldn't make it until the following Thursday when E planned to fly to Austin. I finally broke down and sent her a text.
I didn't plan on going into the hospital that night. I figured I would just let things happen and wait until my doctors appointment on Monday. In the meantime, E booked a flight and flew into Austin.
We went to see midwife L on Monday and found out that we were around 3.5cms dilated. Not in active labor and only a little progress from the week before.

On March 20th I ended up going to Labor and Delivery when my contractions were coming every 7 minutes and lasting about 1 minute. I was concerned because I could feel "leaking" every time I had a contraction and I wanted to make sure it wasn't amniotic fluid. Test came back showing that it wasn't amniotic fluid. Dr. C came up to check on me and the exchange between the two of us left me feeling sad and a bit defeated. She asked me if I wanted something to "just stop all of this" and I told her no. She also ask if I wanted to be admitted and get an epidural... to which I replied no. When I asked her why she even asked me that she told me that she was becoming concerned that I wouldn't be able to handle all of this.
I left there questioning what on earth I had done to make her think such a thing. I also left there 4cms dilated.

Every single day for the next week was torture. I felt awful for pulling E away from her home and family. I also couldn't stop thinking about everything Dr. C had said. I analyzed and over thought every word out of her mouth. I felt sad. I felt worried. I thought that maybe she was right, maybe I wouldn't be able to handle this.


Our last appointment was on March 25th, the day before our scheduled induction, where Dr.C planned to insert a Foley balloon. I planned on talking to Dr. C and telling her how I felt. I had rehearsed it 100 times. When I went back it wasn't Dr. C that was there but midwife L. Dr. C was home sick. I did end up talking to L about what happened Thursday and she laughed saying that Dr. C must have been tired or out of it. I thought, you know... that might be true. Last cervix check and we were sitting at 4.5-5 cms, no Foley balloon needed.

C flew into Austin to be with E for the delivery. We were scheduled to be at the hospital at 7am the next morning.

38 Week Check Up

I had a visit with Dr. O on Monday. She is the newest doctor at Nurture. I must admit that I do like her a lot.! I wouldn't say she is as... crunchy as Dr. C or Liane but she brings a little something extra to the practice. Knowing that she could very well be on call and there to deliver the baby I went over my past pregnancies and deliveries with her.

Baby girl is measuring big (fundal height). Her butt is right up under my right ribs and her head is down very low. Dr. O was the 2nd in the practice to mention that she feels like a large baby. I just laugh it off but I do wonder, could she really be that big?!? My largest babies were both 7lb 14oz. I wouldn't say they were any more difficult to deliver but I question the difficulty of a baby any larger! I guess we shall see!

Dr. O checked my cervix and I'm sitting at 2.5cm's. Of course that doesn't mean much. I think that is the hardest part of all of this. If she were my baby I could wait and wait and wait. I wouldn't have my cervix checked and I would just go with the flow. She isn't my baby and I want to give C and E as much information as I can. I want them to be able to prepare and make plans to be here. It is just next to impossible.

My next appointment is on Monday, March 17th. My last appointment is on Tuesday, March 25. During the last appointment my cervix will be checked again. I think the plan is to see what progress I have made. If I'm 4cm+ I will just head to the hospital in the morning. If not, they will send me home with a Foley Balloon. Of course I'm hoping that over the next 14 days I will progress and labor on my own.

I think E will head down toward the end of next week, just to play it safe. She doesn't want to miss the birth and I really want her to be there. I know I could use the support. If I end up in labor before she gets here, my BFF has agreed to go with me to cheer me on!


I have been thinking about something that I thought I would share with everyone. I'm confident that I will have a successful VBAC. It has only crossed my mind a few times that things may be a little more complicated because of the cesarian, but I have no doubt with Dr. C's help that we can make it happen. If I really think about it I must admit that I'm a little afraid. Let me see if I can put this into words...
When I gave birth to B's girls I felt like I tried my hardest. I felt like I gave it my all. But looking back I also feel like I gave up too quickly on Baby B. Of course everything turned out great and the cesarian section wasn't horrible but so many what ifs play in my head. The feeling now is that IF the c-section makes a vaginal delivery more complicated, can I handle it? Will I give up quicker? I think it's that feeling of calmness that came over me during the cesarian. It wasn't difficult or painful. I drifted off into a place that was warm and comforting and I thought for a while I could just stay there.

I just have to go in there with all the confidence in the world and give it my all. I know that I won't give up without a fight.

33 Week Check Up

It is much easier to write a blog post when you are surrounded by drama and emotions. This surrogate journey hasn't been without both, but things have settled down quite a bit with our return to Texas. 
Our most recent appointment was February 11th. It was pretty routine. We chatted a bit about the contractions, pressure, and movement. We checked her heart rate and fundal height. She is head down and everything looks great! Our next appointment is February 28th.
This pregnancy has just flown by so quickly. It is easy to feel great and not complain too much after carrying twins. What a difference it makes. I will say that things are getting a little more difficult now. I haven't gained too much weight but the extra 25lbs is felt all over my body. The pressure from her being head down can be pretty intense, especially with Vulvar varicosities. Wait... I'm pretty sure Vulvar varicosities isn't a hot topic amongst pregnant woman. It doesn't really fit into the leaky breast, vaginal discharge, Braxton Hicks, hemorrhoid conversations.
Please, allow me to shed some light on it. Although not really common (10% of pregnant women get it), it does happen. Think hemorrhoid of the vagina. I like to refer to it as, 'an alien monster that is growing inside my vulva desperate to emerge and take over the world'. Other people will tell you that it is simply varicose veins that become swollen with the weight of the uterus applying pressure to veins in the pelvic region. It can also be caused by the increase of estrogen and progesterone AND is more common in women who have labored previously with extended pushing. I'm guessing I'm over qualified for that last one?!?
So, in addition to the baby alien I'm carrying around, I'm starting to get the classic nightly leg cramps, swollen feet, and leaky breasts. Oh the joy!

One of the biggest things helping me get through all of this is knowing that my body is responding like normal. It is something I worried about after having a cesarian. I would really like to have a VBAC. Baby girl being in position, the Braxton Hicks, and that darn Vulvar varicosities all give me hope that with Dr. C's help, we will be successful!

So, guesses? Baby Girl is due 03/23. Do you think we will make it?
My guess is March 18th. 

HERSHEY

One of the things I missed most about Texas was the food. We have been back here just shy of 3 weeks and I have caught up on all of our favorite places, except one. I have been saving it for a special day. Today.

E flew in for our 5 month ultrasound appointment and I had her meet me (and Joelie) at Chuy's in Austin. I mean, where else would you take someone visiting Texas?!? I thoroughly enjoyed my chick-a chick-a boom boom but couldn't eat much. It was SPICY. 

We had some time to kill before our appointment so I drove E around north Austin. I showed her the hospital we would deliver at and took her out to my house to meet my amazing husband before heading back.

I don't think I can put into words the feelings that came over me being back in the Nurture office. It felt like... home, like I belonged. I swear I could keep having babies just so I could see everyone there on a daily basis! 
We filled out some standard paperwork and headed back for the ultrasound. E called C so he could hear what was going on. All three of us were chatting about the gender while the sonographer got started. I was mid sentence telling C he was getting a boy when I caught a glimpse of GIRL PARTS! I couldn't believe it! The sonographer confirmed it is indeed a girl! I wish you guys could have heard the excitement in the room. I will never forget the sound of C's voice! Amazing. Sweet. 

The rest of the appointment went great. Baby girl is measuring right on track, 19 weeks-5 days. Everything looks good. We met with Dr. C. ((LOVE HER.)) I think E really liked her as well. She was confident in our ability to have a VBAC! I have no doubt that we can make it happen.
Something really sweet... E and I both ended up with a Dr. Seuss book... one for me to read to the baby and one for E and her son to read together to prepare for the new baby. What a great idea! So fun! 

When we were leaving E pulled out a bag with a Hershey bar and two markers, pink and blue. She said her friend gave it to her and told her to color in a pink SHE or blue HE and post a picture for everyone. I watched as the candy wrapper turned pink. So exciting! I decided we had to try one more Austin staple before E headed home. We headed over to Amy's Ice Cream. Guess what was next door?!? Gymboree! Of course we couldn't pass up the opportunity to pick up a couple of dresses! Purple and Pink of course! :) 
I took the HERSHEY picture for E to send to friends and family and we enjoyed our Mexican Vanilla ice cream with strawberries. YUM!

What an amazing day! I couldn't be more thrilled to be back in Texas and back in the care of Nurture OB/GYN. I'm so excited for E and C and can't wait to meet their baby GIRL! 

16 Week Update

First of all, I want to apologize for the bitchiness of my post about Dr. S. I should have taken a step back and controlled my raging pregnancy hormones before posting. I'm sorry to anyone that I offended, and for any hurt feelings.

I will admit that I'm not very emotional this pregnancy and instead find that I'm more easily irritated. It's one reason why I'm going to change my guess from girl, to boy. :) 

As most of you know by now we are leaving the non-surrogate-friendly-state of New Jersey and are headed back to the surrogate-friendly-state of Texas! I'm thrilled to get back to Nurture OB/GYN and the amazing, supportive staff there! We already have our first appointment scheduled for November 5th. E and her mother are flying in to be there for the anatomy scan. I can't wait! 

I did have one final appointment here yesterday. After my experience with doctors in New Jersey I went in being thankful for just having to go once. I left there wishing I had scheduled my first appointment with her, instead of Dr. S. She was simply AMAZING! After chit chatting for almost an hour we headed in to do an ultrasound. Can I just say AWWW! I couldn't get over the adorable profile! The baby is measuring 15 weeks and 5 days, which is right on target! We got to hear and see the heartbeat, 136 (did I mention I changed my mind? boy!). I asked Dr. P if she could see a penis. She said no. Hmmmm. 

Profile

Heartbeat

A little something E sent to me! I love care packages! She is the sweetest!!! 

Drugs. Illness. Aversions. Cravings.

12 weeks and 5 days pregnant today and I'm counting down the days until the second trimester begins. No really, I have a countdown on my phone. Although I'm trilled to be done with the estrogen and progesterone, stopping them didn't offer any relief from the sickness I have been feeling. :( It seems to hit me the same time everyday, around 4pm. I pick up all the kids from school and end up in bed for 1 hour. I hate it. I'm sure the kids do too.

I have had some major aversions this go round. Soda. Coffee. Ketchup. Doritos. Eggs. Corn. Grease. Peanut Butter. The list goes on and on. For those of you that know me well, you know that a coffee aversion is painful for me. I love my daily coffee. My BFF sent me some coffee from Canada a few weeks ago and it has been sitting untouched. I'm happy to report that this week I actually cracked a box opened and thoroughly enjoyed a steamy cup of Joe! Yum!

I don't have any fun cravings to share. At least they don't seem fun to me! I love lemonade, orange juice, veggies, Slurpees and sweets. I was on a Cheerios and Frosted Flakes kick, but that seems to have died down a bit now. I'm hoping that once the aversions die down I can focus on being a little more disciplined and eat things a little more healthy! Just say no to the Twix and Starburst... maybe the Slurpees too.

The good news is that I haven't gained any weight yet. The bad news is that I'm sure that will change when my appetite comes back.

Did I already mention that think this baby is a girl? My hair is ugly and dull. My face is breaking out and dry. These things added to the heartbeat, always feeling sick and sweet cravings... scream girl. Of course, I have been known to be wrong. B totally didn't end up with a boy and girl. Guess we will see!

12 Week Update (cont.)

I knew after our first visit that Dr. S had never worked with an gestational surrogate let alone an IVF patient before. I thought I would be able to hang with him and help him learn along the way, but the longer I looked at the order they sent home with me the more I realized that I couldn't do this. The entire pregnancy I would be treated as high risk because I'm 35, but mainly because he doesn't know any better. Our due date would always be a week off because he didn't understand how the transfer date established the due date. Outside of that he doesn't perform any scans or blood work in office and I would have to travel 2 hours round trip to have them done. The icing on top was hearing that Joelie could not accompany me to the clinic to have the scan, but if I had to bring her she could wait with the ladies in the reception area. Not something I wanted to do. So, I called Monday and cancelled my appointments. I let E know that I wouldn't be returning to Dr. S and that we needed to search for a new doctor that was familiar with IVF, and closer to home. I asked a local moms group for advice and started a list to send to E.

Of course it was no surprise that Dr. S called C and that C called me. I answered that phone call knowing what was coming and I was PISSED. I felt like a damn child. These two doctors thought they would get together and chat about the crazy, over aged, high risk pregnant lady that didn't show up to her appointment. I listened as C told me he had my back and in the same breath talked about how amazing Dr. S was, based on his research. C understood my not wanting to go back but 'suggested' that I reconsider. I listened. I bet anyone having a conversation with C would be able to tell he's a doctor. He is good at what he does. He has great communication skills and is really good at being positive in is responses. Only, it wasn't working on me. I left the conversation the same way I came into it, PISSED.

Let me just throw something out there for those of you that may not know. Gestational Carriers are used up until age 42, with most companies. It's understood that maternal age has nothing to do with the development and risks of a baby that doesn't biologically belong to the carrier. Being treated as high risk and having extra testing done is not only unnecessary  it can also be costly when insurance doesn't cover the tests. I'm familiar enough with the ins and outs of surrogacy to know what rights I have and to be able to make decisions that are best for me and the baby. While C and Dr. S are probably very talented at what they do, it doesn't make them specialist is surrogacy and decisions that effect me personally.

Working with IP's is a give and take relationship. While it's their baby, it's my body and I want to work with a doctor that I can completely trust. That wasn't going to happen with Dr. S and I decided to move on. For me, it wasn't about how great C thought he was, or how his apologizing spoke volumes. It was about my confidence and comfort level, which with him, were non existent.

E and I went through the list of doctors that we had and narrowed them down by hospital affiliation pretty quickly. We ended up with two options. One is a practice of 3 doctors that share with an additional practice. E wasn't comfortable with so many doctors so we ended up with the other one, a doctor in the same building as the fertility center here in New Jersey. I planned to call and schedule and appointment today but was pretty busy with my own family and didn't get a chance. So I will call tomorrow.

I will leave with this. Right now I'm not feeling too happy about being in this situation. What started out as exciting and fun has now turned into complicated and draining. I'm living in a state that isn't surrogate friendly, searching for a doctor that is familiar with surrogacy while trying to do my best to make E and C happy. Today E sent me a text asking if I made an appointment with the new doctor and if I had called Dr. S. Followed by a text that said C thinks I should call Dr. S and talk to him. I thought, what have I gotten myself into? Back the f off of me! I need a break!  -pregnancy hormones at their finest.

I don't know what will happen with this new doctor but at least she is closer to home and the scans are done next door. Maybe she too will decide to treat me as high risk? I guess if she does I will just accept defeat and go along for the ride. At this point, I don't care. 

12 Week Update and Vent

This post has been a long time coming and I'm sorry for those of you that have been waiting. I have been thinking about what I would say for a couple of weeks now and I'm still not sure that I'm ready to put it all into words, but I will try.

The first step after confirmation of a pregnancy is finding a doctor. I sat out with my search based on local hospitals with a level III NICU and successful VBAC rates. I found a few that looked promising and sent them over to E to help me choose. We went back and forth a few times but E and C had stumbled upon a doctor they both felt pretty confident about. Feeling exhausted and sick, I felt it was best to just accept and give it a shot.
"The reason why we thought Dr. S looked good was because of his training/background, experience with VBAC, small practice, and  experience with natural birth.  I think he takes our insurance" 

When I arrived at the office I filled out the paperwork and waited for about 30 minutes for Dr. S to come in. Our initial greeting went the way I had hoped. He firmly shook my hand and acknowledged Joelie. Once in his office we sat down and the questions began. He asked about my last period, I gave him that date as well as the date of our transfer. I explained that I was a gestational carrier and that both the sperm and egg belonged to the intended parents. The first thing he said is that he would like to send me for a Nuchal Transluency scan. I told him that I wasn't sure C and E were interested in the scan, that I would have to ask them. He raised his voice and told me that if he was going to me my doctor I had to have the scan. I went on to tell him that I didn't have the scan with any of my children. Raising his voice again he said, "THAT DOESN'T MATTER!". I shut down. He told me why the scan was important and I listened. I simply repeated what I said before about asking E and C if they wanted to have it done. With his voice still raised he asked if I would have to check with E and C on everything I had done, I said yes, it is their baby. He continued on and I finally told him that I thought I would just leave. He said he thought it was a good idea. He walked out and loudly said to the receptionist, " She is leaving because I don't want to deal with having to ask permission every time I want to perform a test, we won't charge her for the visit."
I got into the car and called E to give her a rundown.

E sent me a text later that afternoon saying that C was going to call Dr. S. After his phone call with the doctor, C called to get my side of things. Of course our stories pretty much lined up and C expressed how sorry he was for what I had gone through, BUT after talking to Dr. S he felt that we could try our visit again. See, C is a doctor too. He called Dr S and presented himself as a doctor and the intended dad. They had a doctor to doctor chat and came to an understanding. 

Here is where things get difficult for me. I really adore E and C. I think they are an amazing couple and I'm beyond thrilled to be able to do this for them. It was during the conversation with C that things changed for me. I suppose I should appreciate that he called Dr. S after our visit but instead I felt like he jumped on board with Dr. S and stabbed me in the back. I listened to what C had to say and replied when I could. I left the conversation agreeing to go back to Dr. S and feeling that C was less than sincere and maybe even a little fake.

Fast forward to the next visit. Dr. S was nothing but polite. His whole attitude to changed and he was speaking in a calm, soothing voice. He said that he spoke with Dr. C and had a better understanding of things and would be happy to take care of me through the remainder of the pregnancy. He asked if I had anything concerns. I told him that I appreciated his apology and that I just wanted to make one thing clear. I told him I would never allow him to speak to me the way he had before. He apologized again and agreed to keep his cool.
In the exam room the nurse practitioner told me how bad Dr. S felt after I left. She told me it was good that I stood up to him and said what I did. We did a pap smear and and ultrasound. Baby looked good, heart rate was 144.
After the exam we sat and talked a few more minutes. Apparently Dr. C and Dr. S decided to go ahead with the scan and additional blood work. Dr. S explained how I was high risk and how all of this was to take care of me. I tried to explain to Dr. S that my maternal age had nothing to do with the pregnancy and that I wasn't really high risk. I also tried to explain that the EDD was wrong because they needed to go by our transfer date, not my last period. Everything I said was nodded off and dismissed.
I left with an order to have a butt-load of blood work done and an appointment to have the Nuchal Scan that following Monday.

I'm going to stop here. There is a lot more to all of this but I'm so tired and not ready to continue. I will try and update the rest tomorrow.

How Many Babies Fit In One Woman?

When I pulled into the parking lot of the fertility clinic Monday morning I was hit with an abundance of emotions, and morning sickness. I headed up to the third floor, signed in on the ultrasound paper, and took a seat.
E and I were sending text messages to each other. We sounded like two excited little kids.
Me: Ready? 

E: Yes!! Are you in the ultra sound room?
Me: No. Waiting
E: Ok great!!! Are you nervous?
Me: Strangely enough, yes. I have butterflies. I was just thinking to myself that I'm more nervous than I expected to be.
E: We are so nervous!

A few minutes later I was ushered into the ultra sound room where I quickly removed my shoes and clothes. I jumped up on the table and assumed the position. It was only a minute or two for the (weird) doctor to come waltzing in. (This time when he took my hand to shake it I firmly grasped his and looked him directly in the eyes, he looked away. Man, he wouldn't last a minute with my father.) I asked him if he had a problem with me calling the IP's so they could hear. He took a minute but eventually said okay. I called E and C and put them on speaker phone. I swear the (weird) doctor whispered the entire time. I had trouble hearing him and I was right there with him. UGH! So glad I won't have to see him again after this.

Anyway, he started with the normal measurements. Ovaries, no free fluid, la de la. I couldn't see the screen, I could hardly hear him and I'm going crazy. He moves on... fetal pole, yolk sac, sac size, cervical length. Suddenly the wand comes out, he prints a picture for me and says...

Congratulations! There is one baby with a heartbeat of 142, everything looks great!
I quickly picked up my phone and asked E if she heard that? Of course, she had not. Excitedly I said, THERE IS ONLY ONE BABY! I think I could hear the both of them jumping for joy! What a relief, for all of us! 

You Can Overcome Anything if You Don't Bellyache...

I bet E would trade places with me in a heartbeat. If she wouldn't, I personally know a few women that would. That is what I try and remind myself when I'm on the verge of tears because I'm feeling sorry for myself.
I'm normally a pretty tough girl. It takes a lot to break me down and that doesn't happen very often. Sadly, I hit my breaking point last week.

E sends me daily texts telling me that she is thinking about me and asking how I'm doing. Up until last week I would tell her I felt bad, but was doing okay. I think it was Friday that I woke up and thought about sending her a text letting her know I really felt like crap. I stopped myself the first few times but hit send on the last message I typed. I needed help.
Later that afternoon I got a phone call from J at Duke. She told me they were calling in Zofran and Promethazine and that I could take them every 12 hours. She warned me not to take the Promethazine unless I had help with the kids. Other suggestions were to drink Ginger Ale and eat a few crackers before getting out of bed, snack on peppermints, and take B-6. 

My amazing husband set out to get all the supplies needed to make me feel better again.

So here I am a few days later and I'm miserable. I'm giving myself progesterone injections that make me sick because I can taste/smell as it goes into my body. Every two days I'm changing estrogen patches that are leaving behind a rectangle rash that burns and itches. Daily I take a combination of prenatal vitamins, b-6, and folic acid that I can barely stomach swallowing. AND, every twelve hours I'm popping a Zofran or Phenergan hoping that this will be the time it really helps me.

The hardest part about all of this isn't being sick. It's not having energy because I'm sick. My house is a mess. I can't stand to cook. I don't have enough strength to play with my kids. It all makes me so sad.
Thank goodness I have such an amazing family. They are all so supportive and helpful. There has to be something about a man that can support his wife while she is doing something like this. He has just been so wonderful. 

So, after all my bellyaching I will just keep reminding myself...
There are so many other women that would do anything to be in my position.
Just make it through the first trimester, things are bound to get better.


I started bleeding and cramping again this weekend. It happened Saturday and lasted through out the day. During the middle of the night it had changed to brown blood and by the morning it was gone all together. Just my body keeping me on my toes, I guess.

August 12 can't get here soon enough. So anxious to know what is going on inside there. I will admit that I'm a little terrified of seeing 3 (or more) heartbeats. How many do you think we will see? 

O.D.A.A.T

One day at a time...
That is how I'm taking things.
I feel pregnant already. Do you think knowing that you are pregnant makes all the symptoms that much more noticeable?

Smells don't really bother me, except for bad breath and cat liter... but that isn't really new! :) I notice scent more but I seem to enjoy the enhanced ability more than I dislike it.

I already have food aversions and I swear my taste buds have taken a vacation. Things just don't taste as good as they smell. 
You know what does smell really yummy? Cascade. It never fails, every single pregnancy I love the smell of that stuff and my mind thinks it would be really yummy to eat. Not happening.
You know what doesn't smell or taste yummy? Progesterone injections. When I give myself injections I can taste it and smell it. Just thinking about it makes my stomach turn. Nasty.

And last... 
I feel so ill. I don't think I have ever felt so sick, not even with B's twins. It lasts all day and night. I have trouble sleeping and I don't want to eat or drink anything. I'm hanging on and hoping that I don't have to ask for Zofran again. I guess we will see how much longer I can handle this. 

12 more days until our ultrasound. YAY! 

BETA #'s Round Two...

After our first numbers I wondered what we would see today. I totally expected high numbers again but will admit that I was a little terrified of seeing extremely high numbers. 

I'm so very tired and haven't been sleeping well. This morning it took my alarm going off three times before I finally got out of bed. I hurried to the clinic and was in and out in a matter of minutes. 

I rested all morning with the phone nearby, willing myself to stay awake until I got the phone call. I even spent some time texting back and forth with E. I love hearing what she thinks about all of this! Her enthusiasm is contagious! 

It did not take as long for results today. I got the call from nurse J a few minutes ago and the numbers are....... 

1815!!!

Ultrasound is scheduled for August 12. Can't wait!! We will be 7 weeks and 1 day.

Here is another chart (gosh I love these) to give you all an idea of what these beta #s could mean!

16dp3dt

Singleton: 106, 144, 289, 298, 313, 624, 667, 750, 758, 780, 845, 860, 930, 935, 1147, 1326, 1400, 1515, 1540, 1574, 1947, 3000+, 3768

Twins: 498, 531, 878, 1028, 1142, 1284, 1450, 2007, 2450, 2490, 2965, 3904

BETA #'s

Today we are 14 days post 3 day transfer. Here is a chart to give you an idea of what numbers to expect...

Singleton: 110, 144, 161, 183, 189, 207, 219, 241, 258, 273, 278, 290, 300, 310, 311, 321, 371, 388.5, 390, 394, 420, 447, 450, 531, 658, 687, 775, 788, 813, 1458, 1531

Twins: 238, 254, 304, 326, 397, 562, 593, 623, 650, 735, 815, 826, 1007, 1120, 1433, 1469, 1952, 2175

Trips: 1197, 1250, 1400, 1448, 1642

I expected "high" numbers today. Picking up a faint positive on a pregnancy test assured me that it was at least 25. Getting a solid positive assured me that my levels would be at least 50. Throw in how sick I feel and I didn't expect anything less than 200.

I woke up this morning and took my final HPT. It was a nice dark positive! I went straight to the clinic afterwards. It is first come, first served and I happened to be the only one there. I got in and out in a matter of minutes. As I was leaving the nurse told me that they would have the results at noon and fax them over to Duke ASAP. I sent E a text and let her know I was done and to expect the results by noon. We planned for her to call at one to see if the results were in.
Thankfully I spent the day at the beach with the kids and friends. They helped the time fly by! But... at one I was texting E asking if she had heard anything. Nothing. Ugh. I think I checked my phone every five minutes.

Finally at 2:02pm I got the call from my favorite nurse, J. Are you ready for this... 580!! I immediately pulled up my blog to go back and compare our #s with B's. Before I could get there E called me and said she was doing the same thing! :) 458. That is what my first Beta results were with B.

I'm excited for Friday to get here. Can't wait to see what the next set of numbers are!

Worry Can Sneak Up On You...

This is another one of those posts that won't be published the day it was typed.
Yesterday morning I took another pregnancy test. Here is what it looked like. 

I sent E a text with the picture and a message saying that I was confident that it worked! She called me before I could even set my phone down. The excitement in her voice warmed my heart. There is nothing like that feeling.

Today is day 11 and I started cramping and bleeding. It isn't a large amount of blood and it isn't consistent, just off and on throughout the day. I'm worried. I'm trying to stay positive and reassure myself but it's very difficult. I know there is nothing that I can do but wait.
I'm thinking about calling the Fertility Center here and seeing if they will do a BETA test tomorrow and Wednesday instead of Wednesday and Friday. I hate this feeling. The last thing I want to do is call E and tell her that it didn't work after all. Not after hearing the excitement in her voice. I don't want to fail her.

Day 12. The red bleeding has turned to brown blood. That is great! Makes me feel so much better! I have cramps off and on during the day that are pretty uncomfortable so I'm still a little worried. Only 2 more days until we get to know the #'s! Thinking positive thoughts.

"Don't Jinx It"

I'm back to wondering about everything but so afraid to say anything out loud. I wouldn't want to jinx it! So, I thought I would type it all and leave it unpublished for a while.
I came home feeling exhausted. I spent a couple of days in and out of bed, taking naps. I also feel so sick. It lasts almost all day long and is driving me crazy. I think it's all in my mind until I eat and realize, no... it is really there. Although my boobs don't seem to be fuller, they do hurt when I walk up and down the stairs. In addition to all of this, I have to pee a lot more than normal.

Does all of this mean it worked? Is my mind playing tricks on me? Could it all just be side effects from the medication? Waiting isn't fun at all.
At least it's only two more days until Home Pregnancy Test day. 

Today is day 7. I decided to test. I got a really, really faint positive. I'm cramping a little and I still feel pretty sick. I ended up going to the store and buying more tests. I'm going to test again tomorrow. 

Day 8. Another faint positive but this one is darker, not a squinter like the last one. I'm still cramping a little, especially on my lower right sight. I guess it isn't really cramping as much as it is pulling. I also feel so sick, all day long. I guess it isn't my mind playing tricks on me after all.Day 9. The cramping/pulling is more intense. It's a sharp stabbing feeling on the right side, at my bikini line, that seems to come and go throughout the day. TMI AHEAD -> I have a warm, clear discharge that seems to have thickened just a little in the last couple of days. It all reminds me so much of sensations you get during ovulation, but it isn't quite the same.
I'm getting headaches daily now too. The biggest change so far, food is starting to taste different and smell funny.
Seriously, if my mind is playing tricks on me... it is doing a great job. 
Here is a little something to show you what is going on right now.

3-Day Transfer

Days Past Transfer (DPT)	Embryo Development
One	The embryo continues to grow and develop, turning from a 6-8 cell embryo into a morula
Two	The cells of the morula continue to divide, developing into a blastocyst
Three	The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Four	The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Five	The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Six	Implantation continues
Seven	Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Eight	Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Nine	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Ten	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eleven	Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy

I'm seeing RED...

Getting to North Carolina wasn't an easy task. First, Joelie had dance class on Tuesday and there was no way I was going to miss that! So, plans were made to leave directly from class to the airport. With traffic, the GPS taking us the wrong direction, and a little over one hour to make it, we were lucky for me to get there in plenty of time to make it through security. 

As I rushed to my gate I noticed on the monitors that my flight was delayed. So I sat out in search of some healthy food (not an easy task) and a place to charge my phone (also not an easy task). After chowing down a veggie wrap I found a charging station at my gate. As soon as I sat down our flight was delayed again... and again. Luckily the people around me were good company and helped pass the time. 

I don't even remember what time we actually boarded the plane. As I was getting seated I noticed a lady with a young son looking for her seat. I was pretty sure she was sitting beside me and tried to help her. I quickly noticed she didn't speak English and that she had a letter tied to her neck (I could only make out that she flew in on Lufthansa). I checked her tickets and could see that her son was sitting next to me and she was across the isle. I checked with the pilot and made sure that it was okay for me to move to her seat so that she could sit with her son.
I ended up next to an older gentleman from Pennsylvania. He told me about moving from Paris to New York 30 years ago. We also talked about his recent visit to Austin and how strange the roads were (haha, I have been saying that exact thing about the roads in New Jersey). He asked me why do all of those people gather under the bridges when it get dark? Bats! He was shocked! All of this happened while we sat, waiting... on the runway.

We finally landed in North Carolina ten minutes before midnight. 

I got settled in my hotel room and set everything up for the following day. I made sure all my medications, food, and water were in reach from my bed.
Once again E left me a bag with snacks, fruit, water, and a very sweet letter. 

Early the next morning the fertility clinic called to move our appointment, for the third time. They also called E to let her know that 2 of the 3 embryos didn't make it and they were going to thaw 2 more.
We toured the city and Duke University before heading to the clinic. Once we got there we were taken back pretty quickly.
I changed into my gown and E changed into her scrubs. We met with the doctor who went over the transfer and the embryos. We ended up with two 10 cell and one 3 cell. This time our color was red.

It's strange how the same procedure can be so different with a different doctor. This time around I could feel a lot more. It was really uncomfortable and actually hurt a little bit.
We had asked the clinic about allowing us to stay in the room with me on the table at an angle for a few minutes after the procedure. They agreed, but one doctor sent E an email saying that recent medical articles showed that it didn't really help. Oh well. It wouldn't hurt.
E said a friend told her that laughing afterwards would also help. Thankfully our conversations were pretty funny! After 20 minutes of sharing laughs we got up. I emptied my very full bladder (gosh that hurts) and changed back into my clothes. We got our discharge papers and headed back to the hotel.

Once there, I grabbed a pillow and plopped down on top of it lifting my butt into the air. I stayed that way while I ate my pineapple (another one of those things we read about that might help). I stayed in bed for five hours before I got up. E brought over some dinner (she makes a great avocado salad) and kept me company for a few minutes. After she left it was back to bed.

I go home Friday afternoon and have to wait until July 24th for our first test. I have high hopes that all the "tricks" paid off and that at least one of these three little embryos are going to stick!! GO RED GO! 

A New Chance To Try Again...

A couple of days after our BETA test results, Duke Fertility advised me to stop taking all medications. I was told that my uterus lining would shed and that we would just have to wait until my next period to start again.
Can I just tell you that waiting a month while going through something like this seems like it takes forever. Well, the day finally came. I'm back on patches and will start over with the same medication schedule we used the first time.
I have talked to E about making a few minor changes this time to help increase our odds. My good friend Krystal, who is also a surrogate, shared notes and tips with me that I hope will help. The medication from Duke will stay the same but I'm going to add a daily dose of baby Aspirin to the mix. It is said that a combination of the aspirin with progesterone helps women who have had miscarriages. I'm also going to stay on the exam table, at a tilted angle for 15-20 minutes, if the doctors will allow it. Last, I'm going to go straight to the hotel, prop my butt up on a pillow and read... for days. It may all be in my head, it may not "really" make a difference but I believe it can only help.

I'm really excited to have the opportunity to try again. Lots of hopes and prayers appreciated!